About 4 years ago I started what might be described as a Manifesto or journal of ideas and thoughts that came to me in my journey in leadership. I stopped writing that about 8 months ago, not because I was done, but because if I am not committed to a project in the moment, I just pause. I used to write weekly at a minimum and on some weeks, daily.
My last entry was:
It was up to 28 pages at that point. Single spaced, no pictures.
There is no event or moment that made me stop writing. Well maybe a series of events...
Maybe I ran out of original ideas?
Maybe I had a life changing event, but I don't think so?
Maybe I felt as if I was regurgitating the same things I saw on SM?
Maybe I got tired?
My schedule did not change, I just dropped off the writing to myself planet. It has been a lonely, really lonely 8 months. I need to be my own best self advocate. For if I am not, then nothing anyone tells me is going to matter. I am that type of person that on the surface does not like praise, I am self-deprecating. There are many leaders I have met that also share these traits. This seems to be more the norm, than not.
At the same time I chose this profession. This is what I always wanted to do. There was really no other choice. I realize as a school leader, you choose to go on an island. When I was an assistant in a building with 4 admins, I was on a peninsula, but not an island. There were others that shared the glory, share experiences, and sometimes shared the pain.
I don't have a staff lounge, or a daily meeting as I did as an assistant with others that had similar stories. My #cddolphins definitely let me in their lounge and we definitely have fun chit chatting about all sorts of life stuff. I have people I can talk to, but don't know my experiences like a teacher neighbor might, or a cubicle neighbor in a business world might.
I don't have an outlet similar to mine, my writing was my outlet. Where I could discuss, I'll be it, with myself, about things that were happening. Nothing specific, all general, but an outlet to get it out. I used to write about the importance of "getting it out". Now I just don't write, and I don't know why? There is something that did take its place, as I have been practicing the art of mixing music together. My free time is also limited, but like a grandparent, I always try to make the most of that time. I still have my time for working out, for which I am forever grateful.
I don't know why I wrote this. This has taken me a week or more. I guess it is a placeholder on where I am. It is a good spot. It is a spot of some inner turbulence trying to figure out my own personal direction. Not a job switch, but more a motivation, I never want to do anything else. I have no aspirations of anything more. I love having the impact on the community for which I serve. I love having the relationships with the staff, students, parents, and colleagues for which I have. I am doing the work, I am looking forward to continuing to do the work. I know that my doing the work will help those that I serve to find their own work. It is an every day accomplishment and goal. It is a real impact on our most precious resource. It is not a joke, or a job, or a way to get ready for retirement. It is exhausting, it is rewarding, it is frustrating, and it is exactly what I thought and wanted it to be.
Maybe I just wrote this to remind myself that I don't need to write this to feel accomplished, excited, or justified in my choices. Maybe I wrote this to spark a new motivation to write. Maybe I wrote this to put in my "manifesto". Probably not that, as this would not really fit in with that theme.
I know I wrote this for me, if you read, maybe you relate, maybe you don't. To be honest that does not matter to me.